A Charmed Life

I remember a passage from Nelson DeMille’s The General’s Daughter:

“What’s worse than rape? Betrayal.”

I wish to God I didn’t understand every syllable of that.

Rape caused me to question the justice of the world, the inherent trustworthiness of my fellow human. It certainly caused me to question whether I wanted to interact with people. It definitely started me on my path to introversion and complete self-reliance, revulsion at the idea of dependence on another, the complete rejection of anything that I could not procure for myself by my own efforts. It certainly was the beginning of my contentious relationship with my world, my belief that everything I wanted was only to be won in hand-to-hand combat with all of mankind. But rape never caused me to question my own value. It never caused me to consider whether I was a vessel worthy of the human life I possessed. It never caused me to grieve that there was no light left in the world. It never caused me seriously to consider ending my own life. Rape never brought to agonizing over the question, “If I am valuable, how could someone I trusted so completely, loved so intensely, valued so highly, invested in so deeply throw away everything that I am so casually? They cannot both be true.”

At the time, rape was the worst thing that had ever happened to me, but the things since showed me what a charmed fucking life I lived in those years. Somehow there’s comfort in that that I am at a loss to explain.

Sometimes you take hope where you find it, even if it makes no sense.


About blondeapocalypse

dragon fighter
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4 Responses to A Charmed Life

  1. Humor_Me_Now says:

    Are you from Xanga? I knew someone with your handle. i think her names was Barbara. I am not flirting. I am 80 years old and married 59 years.

    I am sorry for your rape and understand how you decided to be very independent. Sadly, 1 in 4 women in the USA will be raped at least once in their life time. It is an awful number. I remember in Californian when rapists were either executed or sent to prison for 50 years.

    Thanks for sharing. You may help a gal going through this.

  2. AncoraImparo says:

    I have always admired your independent spirit. How are you doing?

    • Hey! I had nearly forgotten I even had a blog until I was notified of your comment. It’s so nice to hear from you. I’m doing soooooo much better than I was when I wrote this blog. Wow, but 2014 sucked. But it’s a new world and a new me now. You should text me sometime if you still have my number. Hope the world is rendering up all its joys and treasures to you.

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